"You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."
-Abraham Lincoln
People tell us to don't live in the past. They say to prepare for the future you do something today. This is very sound advice. Only we can shape our own future. Only we can give ourselves the final say on what we do. We need to trust our self to do the best we can and make the best decision. But what happens if you can't trust yourself?
I remember in get-to-know-you activities, one of the top questions you would tell about yourself would be, "What is your Greatest Fear?". For the longest time, my younger self would always say being held hostage or large spiders. In my young mind, this would put me on the borderline of losing my mind and be in a complete state of panic. But as I have gotten older, a new fear developed in me. I would say that is started when I was on the ending point on my mission.
When I was preparing to come home, there were several emails that my parents and I talked about what I would do after my mission. This included job and school. In a LDS church mission, you are gone for 2 years basically just spreading the gospel continuously with no distractions. It was perhaps the most growing experience I have had in my life. But, to have that for 2 years and to come back to real life can be quite an adjustment. I think I adjusted pretty well, but what I wanted to do for my career was still uncertain. I thought of doing computer stuff, be it programming or building computers, and then maybe doing a little bit of music stuff on the side.
Then I took my first 3 semesters at BYU-I. I took 2 programming classes and a database class. I did, fairly well in those classes, but it just didn't click with me. I just didn't see myself doing that for a career choice. I took other classes to explore my options, but still, nothing stood out.
Then at the end of 2016, I transferred back to my home of Utah and applied to the Utah Valley University (UVU). This school had a lot more options so I decided to jump right in for my first semester to computers again. The same conclusion came to be. I just didn't feel it click and the desire of it just went away.
It came at this time that I really had to think about what was I going to do? My first plan failed and I didn't prepare a back up. I was... terrified. I was looking sparaticaly at different computer class options and none of them peaked my interest. I started to go into a panic and just was looking frantically on what I could try to major in. I remember just sitting in my room with my computer opened, staring at the wall, not sure what to do.
I kept telling myself "I'm going to fail. I'm going to run out of money. I'm going to disappoint my friends and family. God will not want to help me get back up. I am going to start over in school again". These were the doubts I was constantly telling myself, over and over. In my mind, if you don't know or don't have a plan for your life, you are a loser. School is what gets you to your future career and if you can't finish school, then what other choices could you have?
I am now going through this same process again with my current and new major, nursing. I am in that state of panic of, "This isn't clicking. This doesn't make sense. I don't want to do this. What do I do?". I'm...terrified.
Maybe I put my expectations wrong. Maybe I shouldn't define success as just getting through school. Maybe I shouldn't depend my happiness on certain things. But it still scares me. It has become, in my opinion, my greatest fear.
So what do I do? Do I look for another option again and keep paying for school for my current major, or try to go some other way or other major that would interest me? This is a constant question and battle I have been through these last 3 days. It wouldn't be such a big deal if a lot of money was also involved in here. I am leaning one way over the other, but I am still exploring my options.
But in the end, who can make that decision? Who can go and change my degree or keep going on the current one I am on? Only I can. But it helps that I am not alone. I know many of those in school that are going through this same process and have battle this same question on what to do next. But not only do I have support from them. Family and friends will always be there. I also have a loving Heavenly Father, no matter how far away from the right path I take, will still love me and want me to come back to His loving arms. I have a crucial decision to make, but it is comforting I am not alone.
In the end, just realize there are all kinds of people out there that don't know what they want to do. They don't know what next step they should take in their life. Their fears keeps them from going forward or even to attempt to move. But fear should never absolutely control us. Fear is a motive, but it shouldn't be our long lasting motive. Learn to trust yourself, ask advisers and others for advice, and know that you are never alone.
